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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” said one trooper…

“Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”

The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay .”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?”

The trooper said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”

Don’t cheat! Before you read on . . . choose your favorite marshmallow bit from Lucky Charms from the list below . . .

- Pink hearts
- Yellow moons
- Orange stars
- Green clovers
- Blue diamonds
- Purple horseshoes
- Those icky oat bits

Ok. Have you got one in mind? Now you can read on. And don’t change it!

Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you’re like in bed! Yes, it’s true–just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality:

GREEN CLOVERS: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green
clover, you’re a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don’t take
anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always
manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with
you. You don’t have any patience with depressed people and tend
to sit on them until they cheer up.

BLUE DIAMONDS: If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue diamond, your
thoughts in bed are mostly about what you’ll get later. “If he
really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?” is probably
what’s going through your mind.  People who like blue diamonds
have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit
forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while
making love.

ORANGE STARS: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the
center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most
of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you
expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like
orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they
are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they
want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They
often moan out their own names while making love.

PINK HEARTS: If you like pink hearts, you’re the romantic type. You like your
partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he’s too
distracted to form coherent phrases, you’ll settle for romantic
syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance
novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.

PURPLE HORSESHOES: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern,
uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the
bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains,
swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out
on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes–
she’s/ he’s likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when
you’re not looking and who knows what could happen next?

YELLOW MOONS: If you’re the yellow moon type, you’re more interested in
satisfying your partner’s needs than your own. You prefer to lie
back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her/his
needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons
usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of
kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up
and ravish them.  Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the
yellow moons out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box.

Those little oat bits that aren’t marshmallows at all: If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don’t like sex anyway and don’t need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks,

“What’s with the money in the jar?”

“Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari.”

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”

“You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10which he stuffs into the jar.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”

“Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”

“Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.”

The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 – but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”

“Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is..”

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the damn tequila?!”

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can..

Tears stream down both cheeks — but he doesn’t make a face — and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight — then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, “Now…, where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”

How depressing… Nobody’s after my job.

Dain bramaged.

Deja Moo: The feeling you’ve heard this bullshit before.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

I can’t be fired… slaves are sold.

When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.

The box said “Requires Windows 95 or better.” So I installed LINUX

90% of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at.

<–Your information went data way –>

A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Mil-Spec.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A computer is a hole in the desk into which money disappears

Advice is cheap because the supply always exceeds the demand

Alcohol & calculus don’t mix. Never drink & derive.

All I want is a bit more than I’ll ever get.

And which parallel universe did you crawl out of?

Avoid cliche’s like the plague

Blessed are the Geeks, for they shall internet the earth.

C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

Chaos! Panic! Disaster! (My work here is done)

CONGRESS.SYS corrupted: Re-boot Washington DC (Y/n)?

Creativity is the art of concealing your sources.

Department of Redundancy Department.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a rock.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…

ERROR: Keyboard not attached. Press F-1 to continue.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

You know you’re an engineer if you have no life & can prove it mathematically

Hukt awn fonix wurkt fur mee

I can’t be fired… slaves are sold

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I PROCESS, therefore I AM

I will give up my pun when they pry my poor, dead zingers from around it.

If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

In the absence of certainty, trust your intuition

It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I’m not deaf, I’m ignoring you

I’ve upped my attitude, now up yours

Kiss me – I’m virus free

Mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available

Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot.

Math illiteracy affects 8 out of every 5 people.

NEVER, BUT NEVER question the ACCOUNTANT’S judgement

NEVER, BUT NEVER question the ENGINEER’S judgement

NEVER, BUT NEVER question the GEEK’S judgement

Obviously, you are incapable of assimilating the extent of my genius.

Penguins are our friends

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive (the damn thing blew up)

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit

Press any key… no, no, no, not that one!

Quiet – Alpha Geek at work.

RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure

REAL PROGRAMMERS DON’T DOCUMENT. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Talent is the ability to convince people you have it.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

The ozone layer or cheese in a spray can. Don’t make me choose.

The problem with getting a life is making the payments.

The universe is a figment of its own imagination.

Thou shalt not hassle

Time flies when you are sick and psychotic

Underneath this rough exterior beats a heart of stone

Very funny, Scotty — now beam down my clothes

WARNING: dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of SMART?

We may be alone. We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering.

When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you

When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape.

Whip me. Beat me. Make me write bad checks

Who hired all these tacky people?

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, ” Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  “See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . . On any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand?”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull . . . . . .

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . .

“Your Badge, show him your Badge!”

She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She does not have:  A KILLER BODY
She is:  TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

She is not: A BAD COOK
She is:  MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not:  A BAD DRIVER
She is:  AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

She is not:  EASY
She is:  HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED

She does not have:  SEXY LIPS
She is:  COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

She does not get: DRUNK
She is:  ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

You do not ask her:  TO DANCE
You request a:  PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not:  A GOSSIP
She is a:  VERBAL TERMINATOR

She does not:  WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an:  ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is:  GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

She is not:  HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is:  MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not:  COLD OR FRIGID
She is:  THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is:  COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not have:  GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED

She will never: GAIN WEIGHT
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is:  VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

She does not have: A HARD BODY
She is:  ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

Her breast will never:  SAG
They will:  LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

She does not:  SHOP TOO MUCH
She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

She does not:  CUT YOU OFF
She becomes:  HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not have:  BIG HAIR
She is:  OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not:  SNORE
She is:  NASALLY REPETITIVE

She does not:  GET DRUNK
She becomes:  VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

She does not have: BIG HOOTERS
Her:  CUPS RUNNETH OVER

She is not:  TOO SKINNY
She is:  SKELETALLY PROMINENT

- Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
- It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
- Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
- Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
- Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
- Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
- Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
- Baseball wrong–man with four balls cannot walk.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
- Learn to masturbate–come in handy.
- Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
- Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
- Virgin like balloon–one prick, all gone.

An old lady is rocking away the last years of her life on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when – all of a sudden – a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. “Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really rich.”

*** POOF ***

her rocking chair turns to solid gold. “And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”

***POOF ***

she turns into a beautiful young woman. “Your third wish?”asked the fairy godmother.  Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front
of them.  Ooh, – can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.

***POOF***

there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten.  With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was her  eighties and   had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness  and kindness to   all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and  she showed him into her   quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a  seat while she prepared tea.   As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,  the young minister noticed a cute   glass bowl sitting on top of it. The  bowl was filled with water, and in the   water floated, of all things, a  condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they  began to chat.   The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl  of water and its   strange floater, but soon it got the better of him  and he could no longer   resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if  you would tell me about   this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I  was walking   through the park a few months ago and I found this little  package on the   ground. The directions said to place it on the organ,  keep it wet and that   it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you  know I haven’t had the flu all   winter.”